Aries - March 21-April 20

You will feel an overwhelming urge to wander the streets extolling the virtues of eating chocolate and banana flavour Chupa Chups lollipops; we all feel like this sometimes. Luck writes you a letter with a yellow tip.

Taurus - April 21-May 21

Mars, the storm-bringer is dominant in your chart this week. You’d think this may be a euphemism for difficult times in a relationship, but it’s not. It means you’ll suffer terrible wind for best part of the week, broken up only by irregular bouts of fizzy gravy. Single? You’re likely to stay that way during this period, and if you’re not you soon will be.

Gemini - May 22 - June 21

Those born under Gemini are noted for their quick thinking. You are an exception. Were you dropped on your head as a child or something? Luck is found in a bottle labelled with a black cross on an orange background. It’s for the good of you and us. Go on, do it.

Cancer - June 22 - July 22

You will discover a lump, and become worried yet simultaneously appreciate the irony.

Leo - July 23 - August 23

You have been uncomfortable in your workplace for some time now, and it’s time for a change. Try straddling your chair, instead of merely sitting on it. Perhaps try another chair, or sitting on the desk.

Virgo - August 24 - September 22

Your previous forecast does not appear to have been heeded. Could you please now read all previous forecasts. If you have recently read and heeded your forecasts, please accept our thanks and apologies for having troubled you. YOU DO NOT NEED TO CONTACT THE SPIRIT WORLD IN ANY CASE. If you would like to take heed via Direct Debit, please call us; you will be able to take heed in advance, and not worry about having to heed any longer.

Libra -September 23- October 23

Your sense of self-worth takes a battering this week. What a total waste of space you are. You stink. Nobody likes you. Sort it out. Twat.

Scorpio - October 24 - November 22

Remember the Legend of Tim Tyler, the Boy Who Lost His Laugh? Was it strictly true? He didn’t lose it, did he? He sold it to a Sinister Businessman who couldn’t laugh or something. Your life will be a bit like that, except without the poor dubbing. Luck is found, but you drop it.

Sagittarius - November 23 - December 21

You wil die if you have read any of the forecasts for other star signs, due to an as yet unknown rare medical condition.

Capricorn - December 22 - January 20

We all feel sometimes that we are isolated in others from some way, often without reason. Capricorn’s are prone to experimentation however, so perhaps you should attempt to feel isolated by moving to Antarctica for a week. Then you’ll know what it’s like, and you will be able to say “Ahh, but I know just what that feels like” to your peers without sounding like you’re just agreeing to hasten along their boring whinge.

Aquarius - January 21 - February 18

You will develop a fascination for the kitsch and camp, and will spend a lot of money buying up other people’s tat from second hand shops and boot sales. You will regret this next week, as your house becomes infested with cockroach that were hiding at the bottom of a damp cardboard box which house the electrically unsound lava lamp you bought. Single? Then your spouse will not be affected when your lava lamp shocks you.

Pisces - February 19 - March 20

Haddock breath.

Well, here we are again with yet more environmentally-friendly content to make the front page change a bit more often than it has recently. Here’s something I did for what this site was going to be, and indeed briefly was, but then stopped being again back in 2003. It’s not very good.

DIE HARD 4: DIE HARDEST

SCRIPT REVISION 4AX FOR INTERNAL VIEWING ONLY

Scene 12

McClane is clad in just shorts and a white vest, now streaked with varying shades of blood. His face glistens with sweat.

McClane: How did i get into this? All I wanted was a nice holiday on this seemingly quiet tropical island with my daughter who is apparently played by Britney Spears and now I find myself dealt this shit…

He looks at the rifle, and delivers his line in a wry tone

McClane: Not my usual weapon of choice.

The camera pulls back, and there is a man of Eastern European descent staring at him, his face hardened and mean. He speaks.

Carnie: Please sir, please take your aim. You could win a goldfish in a Tesco carrier bag!

McClane: This is the worst set piece of my entire life.

Carnie: Well, at least the first three weren’t written at 2am by someone listening to a load of plebs on the radio pretending they know more about the Iraq situation than the people who invested millions in working out what to do before declaring a war.

McClane: Yes.

They both turn and face the camera, and speak together

Together: Good luck to all our boys out there!

McClane: And yippee-ki-ay to all the motherfuckers!

Rousing music plays as McClane and the Carnie hold their poses for fifteen seconds until McClane goes to his trailer for champagne and the Carnie goes to his ditch to not wash.

Just a quick thing tonight.

There’s just been a Mail on Sunday advert on the telly, as they are giving away the new McFly album.

I am fairly certain that one of the tracks is heavily derivative of the theme song from largely-forgotten 1980s Disney cartoon, The Gummi Bears.

  VS  

Of course, it could just be me. It probably is; McFly probably aren’t even old enough to remember the Gummi Bears, and this is probably less of a scandal than Roxette nicking the theme tune to Orm and Cheep in 1994. And I definitely made that second one up.

(Blimey. Look at that; the opening titles to The Gummi Bears run for a whole minute. That would surely never happen these days; at least forty-two of those sixty seconds could be used for Marketing Targeted At The Core Demographic or something.)